Masking vulnerability with...

Yesterday I found an old note book (I have loads) it was one from my role as a service team leader for post office tutors ~ I am soliciting for something by stating that not sure what *yet ~ I came to a page where I wrote about masking my vulnerability, I thought it was a good read and wanted to share it.


" I mask my vulnerability with strength, as this is only one outward appearance and not something that reflects what is going on inside. What is within is bound to find it's way out, we all know but may have forgotten that whatever we hide or deny will eventually reveal itself, through situations we find ourselves in or people that come into our lives. 

We have the choice then to deal with our vulnerability by facing it or hiding...however just like a game of hide and seek you will be found or you will have to reveal yourself, both have the same outcome, one just takes longer"
written in 2007/8


I had forgotten about writing this, however not about the feeling of the words written it makes more sense to why I began to choose to step into my vulnerability...rather than mask it. When I shared with someone about me SIMV they told me it was emotional suicide, I was shocked by this term and although it did not resonate with me this ladies words bothered me. I was later to realise that it was because I had learned to put other's wisdom before my own, ignoring my own intuition/gut instinct just because of some ones position, experience, credentials. 


I choose to keep on stepping into my vulnerability (you can read about some of the in this blog http://crystalangelsxxxrandomness.blogspot.com/2011/04/stepping-into-my-vulnerability.html) even going as far as telling someone I had a crush on that I was attracted to them. Each time I was left feeling empowered and free...free of some hidden chain that held me in fear that is there lurking a step before vulnerability. 


Stepping into vulnerability is not about putting yourself in danger, for me it is about making the choice to do something that you are afraid of...like a naked photo shoot...yep done that too...though strangely enough I was not afraid of doing it or declaring your feelings to someone you are attracted to. If they do not reciprocate your feelings, then isn't better to know and you haven't lost anything. Those of you that say "I may loose a good friend" to you I say if they are a good friend you wont loose them, if they go, you are better of without them as they may be the reason why 'THE ONE' hasn't approached you (that's a whole different blog)


If you are considering stepping into your vulnerability as a result of reading this blog contact me for some free advice crystalangel@hotmail.co.uk or message me on facebook


One thing never do it from a place from wanting a response from another do it because you want to do it for you.  


Thank you for reading, I love you 


Claudia xxx


*soliciting worthiness...maybe?

Beautiful Gorgeous Man

04 April

Do you remember/have you read

http://crystalangelsxxxrandomness.blogspot.com/2011/04/stepping-into-my-vulnerability.html

well I wanted to share a letter of...appreciation for a   gorgeous man I met in March. I stepped into my vulnerability in a big way for me in which I shared my deepest feelings. The most interesting thing with this and all of the vulnerable situations I choose to step into was for me to be from a place where I wanted/required nothing in return...the only purpose  was to express how I feel/felt. 

I have done this 3 times now where situations have had me literally shaking in my boots...adrenalin is amazing isn't it. 

I hope you enjoy this letter and I will be posting his response to me. If nothing else my intention is to inspire those who choose to read to share your feelings with the person of your attraction, affection, desire. It's better out than in http://crystalangelsxxxrandomness.blogspot.com/2011/06/reply.html

 

Hello....

I trust you are well and enjoying the wonderful weather we are having, I wanted to share my thoughts with you

I am so pleased to have met you; I think you are a lovely, amazing man. You have bolstered my faith in men, I hadn't lost it, I have always been sure that there were other types of men to the ones I usually met, though I felt that the combination I created by the contrast of my experienced was beyond me...I guess it was until I came into alignment with it...if only for a short while.

I am learning to express myself in many ways, ways that I would have ignored or hid from, I am also choosing to step into my vulnerability or that which appears to be (all things are an illusion aren't they) The fact that I am learning and experimenting with myself (ooh that sounds rude) has caused me to message you and share my feelings. It is something that I have done with friends, however never with a gorgeous handsome man that I find attractive.

I am happy to have met you so I can have this opportunity. I think you are so much fun and a very playful, some of the things I like and I am, however have never found in men I have met, this is a very refreshing change. Your level of intelligence amazes and astonishes me, for the simple reason that I really wasn't aware that the combination of playfulness and your level of intellectual capacity existed, its lovely.

I love your wonderful relationship with music and sound, it is a joy to watch and energetically experience the gorgeousness of the union, the vibes you create together, it's as though you become one...or is that re-unite, not sure I have words to describe it...maybe words are not needed.

You are a wise and intelligent man that has a lot to say and share I am pleased to have met you and I am glad you're in this world.

Much Love

Claudia xxx

Stepping into my vulnerability

Today ( written on Friday 1st April) I decided to step into my vulnerabilty. 


I have had a couple of situations where I have felt extremely vulnerable and consciously chose to step up to it/step into it, because I guess I did not want to be controlled by the feelings I was having around certain situations and people. It has been very freeing for me and sometimes the other person if they are 'open' to it and ready to hear my truth...as it is only my truth and if they are ready and open it benefits us both rather than just me. 


~Thank you Michelle Roberton-Jones for being open ~


Below are responses to me stepping into my vulnerability and not closing down like I normally do.


"thank you for being brave today & doing what i was too scared to do ... in setting your truth free, you set me free too. not only does that take great courage but great love & faith in who you truly are & who i truly am.... thank you x x x x :)" Michelle 


my response (Copied from Febs FB)
"Thank you, you are an amazing person, thank you for being part of this amazing journey I am grateful and very appreciative of what I have learned about myself through our connection. I love you and our friendship is important to me this bolstered my courage. I am realising more and more how important it is to speak my truth and listen to my heart so glad I did...thank you xxx" 

So I am choosing again to step into my vulnerabilty not because I know courage lies within, just because a) I feel like experimenting, b) speaking my truth is important to me as a whole person, ~all the parts of me that have been ignored and silenced for so long~ c) it's time and I can :p


It will involve me speaking to people I feel I have some unresolved energy with. People I may be holding hurt feelings around. Men I feel evoke very strong feelings for whether they are of (perceived)irritation, attraction or admiration. 


I say speak and will attempt to at every given opportunity, however if it dosen't happen that way I will also be emailing, PMing on fbook. I am looking forward to my interactions with fear and excitement...is that another way to describe vulnerability hmmm not sure.


This is based around things and situations I feel uncomfortable or fearful in and in no way is an attempt to upset or embarrass anyone, sometimes I will actually just write out my feelings and express what I would say to them on paper if it is not possible to have a face to face chat. I will see how this goes. I have done this (writing how I feel) just to get stuff out of my head and it has become a powerful technique for me to release my thoughts and express my feeling and has had some amazing results.


I think it is interesting, if not 'logical' 'magical' that I sh/could feel this way after asking my higher self to show me what I am affraid of, though I thought it would come through my dreams, though why should it as I asked for it to be plain and simple and easy for me to see *giggle*


If there is anyone out there that wants to experiment with me or would like to help clear some stuff please contact me via


Facebook
crystalangel@hotmail.co.uk


Much Love 
Claudia xxx